Let’s talk schemers and dreamers, thieves and bandits, pickpockets and poachers, crooks and conmen.
The most lucrative of broken commandments, theft has been practiced since time immemorial.
Spurred by hunger, curiosity, desperation or desire, we seem to habitually help ourselves to things that don’t belong to us.
And while larceny exhibits itself across the spectrum of the zodiac, the impetus varies and some among are more inclined towards the take than others.
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Aries folks are thrill chasers, inclined to steal just to see if they can get away with it.
There’s something perennially punk rock about an Aries, and while many of them are too principled to steal from an actual human being, most of them can get down with stealing to survive — or grand-scale theft from a corporation.
Libras steal because they have expensive taste and little to no work ethic.
Capricorns feel entitled to steal because they work harder than anyone else and feel like they deserve a little extra off the top — not to mention a few bills filched from petty cash.
Libras steal because they have expensive taste and little to no work ethic, Geminis because they forget to pay and because their planetary ruler is named after the god of thieves, Leos because they mistakenly believe everyone and everything is a carte blanche offering to their existence.
Virgo steals to prove superiority, Pisces because they recognize hugs, typewriter poems, and mini bottles as legal tender, Sag to redistribute to the poor and Aquarius because they believe money is a social construct that should be abolished in favor of a barter system that prizes riddles and toenail shavings.
Read on to learn more about the three signs most inclined to get theirs — and some of yours —by dubious means.
Because the moon represents our internal nature and what we need/are willing to steal to feel safe and Venus our relationship to wealth and worth, read for the sun, moon, and Venus signs.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
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Taurus rules the second house of values and possessions — Lord knows if they don’t feel like they have enough, they’ll feel entitled to some of yours.
As the second house is the house of worth as well as wealth, bad bulls equate being rich with being worthy, a dangerous game that inspires them to steal without regret and grift without guilt.
We see this energy in thieving/conning bulls like Bernie Madoff, Marc Stuart ‘anything to buy a beach house’ Dreier, Amy ‘impersonate a dude to marry rich’ Bock and Frank ‘catch me if you can’ Abangdale.
Not for nothing, infamous, curiously accented con artist Anna Delvey nee Sorokin has herself a Taurus moon. A former friend/mark of Sorokin‘sdescribed her as, “All things in excess: she shopped, ate, and drank. Usually wearing a Supreme brand hoodie, workout pants, and sneakers, she embodied a lazy sort of luxury.”
The pursuit of lazy luxury = the underbelly of the bull.
In this same spirit, I am willing to bet a pocketful of pyrite that at least one of the three bandits who held up a NYC Gucci store in broad daylight has a prominent Taurus placement. As Queen Bey explains, “livin’ lavish, lavish, I got expensive fabrics, I got expensive habits.”
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
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With their wet eyes and earnest sob stories, Cancers make for the perfect con artists — you never see their grift coming.
Crabs conveniently confuse/conflate feelings and facts and thus can willfully forget or justify their actions based on emotional upset.
Blessed/cursed with an elaborate imagination Cancers are adept at spinning yarns, dreaming up delusions, and implementing long-game cons for profit and pleasure.
Emo teens no matter their age, Cancers get a real kick out of exploiting or impersonating the rich.
Examples of famous thieving Cancers include fake Rockafeller Christopher Rocancourt, and Joseph “Yellow Kid” Weil, an apex swindler who excused his crimes by blaming the amorality of his victims (classic Cancer strategy) explaining, “They wanted something for nothing, I gave them nothing for something.”
Jeanne de Valois, also known as Jeanne de la Motte, was a Cancer con woman who orchestrated The Affair of the Diamond Necklace, an elaborate scheme to steal and fence a necklace chock full of 2,800 carats.
Blessed/cursed with an elaborate imagination Cancers are adept at spinning yarns, dreaming up delusions, and implementing long-game cons for profit and pleasure.
De la Motte’s infamous plot implicated and vilified Marie Antoinette, inadvertently leading her to the guillotine.
Like a true tragic crab, de la Motte died in London after falling from her hotel room window, whilst sidestepping debt collectors.
Legends get remembered, and heroes never die.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
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Scorpio rules the eighth house of sex, death, secrets, and other people’s money.
By proxy, this lot is more inclined to steal your love interest, personal information, or your life’s savings.
A possessive people they view everyone as competition and everything as theirs.
Scorpios also low-key live to plot and to prove that they get away with anything they can scheme/dream/manipulate someone into.
Life is a chess game to a scorpion and they deeply believe that others are out to get them — so they might as well get one over on the other guy, while they hold the upper hand or the keys to the getaway car.
Examples of thieving/enterprising Scorpios include con artist Soapy ‘falsifying human remains’ Smith, Devil Bill ‘bigamy and snake oil’ Rockefeller Sr. and Winona ‘stealing in the name of research’ Ryder
Proof of the proprietary nature of the scorpion is evident in two out of six members of the Bling Ring (Nick Prugo and Courtney Ames) being card carrying Scorpios.
AstrologerReda Wigleresearches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girl’s guide” to strip clubs, and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
