Time of writing - 23/12, 19:15, time of editing 27/12, 21:16
I hope you did your homework, children. Did you go and watch the wonderful experience of Baron 1898, or as I liked to annoy my family with, achttien achtennegentig (the pronunciation of eighteen ninety eight in Dutch, isn’t it fabulous I love Europe). Nevermind. Unsurprising liv fact - I watch rollercoaster POV’s all the time. In the pits of A-Levels I would frantically google rollercoaster POV’s of the theme parks I was attending in the months afterward, to rouse some sense of happiness, and also rollercoasters of past, like Iron Gwazi in Busch Gardens Tampa, the one and only rollercoaster where I have felt closest to death, more on that if you guys want to hear about it holy sh*t what a ride it’s forever burned into my brain. It’s okay. I am very grateful for this newsletter because I suggested it as a joke but people actually read it ! I’ve seen the stats ! Anyways there’s gonna be a lot of sickening gratefulness in this (both kinds of sickening) so tune in !!
(A side note - I feel like I jinxed the release of the GTA 6 trailer arriving by conjuring up talk of it last month, the universe always has her eye on me xx)
A quick Christmas review - love the vibes, love the people, love the way our log fire doesn’t work anymore but lucky that I bought my brother and I bathrobes!! Love the rabbits trying to eat the PLASTIC Christmas tree, love the cousins, love the family friends, love my best gift which was by far the 100 mint teabags from a wholesaler because they don’t sell it in small teabag boxes. Love the food, love the board game about the food which revealed how much of a nerd I am about all things gourmet…
As with every December I’ve been trying to remember the ‘resolutions’ I set in January, a list you could not allow me to remember because I genuinely can’t !! Probably, knowing my half-arsed attempts at sincerity when it’s actually needed, containing something stupid like ‘omgggg love yourself’. I think half the ‘resolutions’ I write are traps for me to inevitably feel terrible that I didn’t complete/aspire to incorporate by the end of the year, but I don’t care anymore (jokes, I always cared). Nevertheless I am offering my services on New Year’s Eve I will drunkenly perform my resolutions for this year (and yours too for the low low price of £79.99) in a slam poetry style boots the house down beat poet thing. It’s like when I SWORE I’d memorise Fiona Apple’s (queen) ‘When the Pawn…’ poem and I never did, but I absolutely should because lying about my age as a joke when I’m intoxicated isn’t that funny to anyone anyway. I need to scare men, not baffle them!
Staying on the topic of New Year’s self-reflection, the week between Christmas Day and NYE feels like a vacuum. There is no sound or noise. After Boxing Day most people write off the rest of the year in a oh, that’s it then, oh okay. I wrote a poem about it last year, the way most people just pretend the rest of the year has disappeared, start doing those wrap-up Tiktok’s like ‘wow what a year changed my life xx’ and it’s those whip-fast snippets of loads of photos and stuff. Guys, you know the kind don’t pretend to not sshhh. And now, as if I haven’t already, let’s get a bit more goddamn personal on here fellas (gender-neutral). Here is an extract from a long long journal entry I wrote the other day through some attempt to get all moody and broody in a winter’s night:
‘and now I am existing in this delicious muddle of questions, of how to conduct myself in the same way as I did, but also with the knowledge and the time taken and freshness that arrives every single day. I have changed in the shortest space of time at a much faster rate than I have ever known, yet some facets of me completely remain the same. I ask myself right now how can this be ????’
Guys, guys, chill. I know you’re like shut the f*ck up liv you did not write that but if I could take a picture of the notebook I would. And it leads me to open that question up here, to ask myself of the evolution over such a limited space of time. I certainly look older, and behave differently. As someone who prioritises my observation skills in most social interactions, I am obviously intensely focused on myself and changes passing like the tides, so let’s open that question to you, yes, you, dear reader. Ask yourself how much you’ve evolved this year, what you’ve learnt, what you’ve discarded. Humans are silly little creatures, that’s why I’m a goat.
This year alone has been sensationally tumultuous, from the sheer amount of actual events and tea to the undertaking of personal growth (to be cringe is to be free) and now unveiled and recapped in a segment called the LIV LORE OF 2023. Some of you might find this relatable xx This is just gonna flow like water as I recap so grab a pool noodle and just float:
Finished GTA V, started GTA IV, learnt how to play ‘fade into you’ on guitar, learnt ‘brothers on a hotel bed’ on piano, got better at poetry (subjective I guess?), read more feminist literature, put more sh*t on my wall, DID A LEVELS ???, STARTED A DEGREE???, my skin got worse and then better and then worse, my scalp got consistently more dandruff ridden as time went on and is now in this really weird scaly lizard situation, the IUD lives to slay another day, TOOK A DRIVING TEST?? and cancelled two more, started crying over old people and dogs on Instagram more, my hamster died on New Year’s Day like f*cking buzzkill mate RIP Jim, mesh and waistcoats and little tiny holey jumpers that just about cover your midriff are in season in Liv’s fashion world, so are wine red lips and dodgy powder eyeliner wings that defoooo smudge after one hour of partying, TURNED EIGHTEEN ???, went on the road trip of my family’s lives around Europe, went to Amsterdam with a beloved, started buying things from Glossier which feels toxic in a way, made +5 people cry with my poems so the tally keeps growing, posed for my besties’ a level photography projects even when I had to get suffocated in cling film, made the decision to grow out my bob (read: bad idea, the f*ckass bob never dies), bedazzled a cowboy hat, started doing comedic bits at parties even though they rarely ever got picked up, was serious NEVER, carried on my legendary gift giving game as various people in my life turned 18/19, quit the best job I will ever have, filmed more college lunchtimes than I will ever conceivably remember, wrote some more, saw boygenius live, saw death cab for cutie live, kept putting on eyeliners that I’m definitely allergic to, racked up the Beyonce minutes to the max because she ain’t no diva, dished and served the tea, stepped up my cake decorating game, got published (15+ times) more which is a really big deal for me bigger than you guys think it is, played 'Hurricane Katrina’ by Kevin JZ Prodigy at social situations as a default to when I should be chatting because I just go awkward and stiff and cold like a dead person when my social battery is dying so I just start voguing in the hopes someone else will too, somehow acquired even bigger earrings and rings, got one of those leather jackets all the girlies are wearing, fell victim to innumerable trends even though I SWEAR I’m not like other girls, started a newsletter thank you all for being here in this lovely sh*thole my darlings, attempted every single biology paper from 2017 to present day no wonder I was struggling back in March, learnt how to palm read (tentatively, read: not that much in detail, not quitting the day job yet) and now will perform drunkenly to anyone who has a hand regardless whether I’m right or wrong (like I will literally grab your hand and start doing it without a cue), bought a hip flask, drank various ethanol based liquids from said hip flask, rode a busy commuter train with a huge black smudge of eyeshadow right across my forehead, partied hard and convinced myself I was wearing the best outfit every single time, bought increasingly bigger sized hoop earrings, realised I actually love cycling but only when it’s on my own terms and with headphones, meditated in the rain, painted silly little things, spent way too much money on second-hand clothes that don’t even fit me stupid bitch, increased my skincare regiment from 5 to 8 steps, started taking vitamins, I now say ‘that’s puss* honey!’ in homage to the drag artist Mo Heart, and that’s probably where we are now. More things I can’t say because that would incriminate me and a lot of people (stealing things, including the hearts of the nation) and as a highly decorated individual (no, not war veteran, though I did serve my time in the idgaf wars) it is natural for me to look ahead to the coming year. Who genuinely knows what 2024 brings, but all I know is that I’m going to start saying yes more, I literally lock myself in a box all the time I want to be as carefree, as illustrious as a fresh breeze.
SEXY STATISTIC STANDPOINT
63 poems written
50 books read
2500 minutes of Beyonce listening
5 musicals
6000000 times I said ‘c*nty’
Now it’s time for a breakdown. Yes, I read 50 books, and every year I talk to myself on a Word document about the best and the worst. And now, I get to talk to myself here!
Best fiction of 2023:
1) The Dance Tree - Kiran Millwood Hargrave
2) If Beale Street Could Talk - James Baldwin
3) Lessons in Chemistry - Bonnie Garmus
4) Sharp Teeth - Toby Barlow
5) Things We Do Not Tell The People We Love - Huma Quareshi
The Dance Tree, the second book from Hargrave, who wrote the Mercies which was a brilliant little book I read last year, is an exceptional historical fiction, which I don’t normally go crazy over, but the way the heat and sickness and rural living was described within this book, I was in awe of such descriptions. And the plot is incredibly vivid, the characterisation and depth so inspired, I loved this book the whole way through.
Special mention - When The Stars Are Scattered - Victoria Jamieson - although a wonderful book, this was a children’s cartoon/graphic novel written and about kids in the refugee tent city in Kenya. Jesus Christ the ending of this book had me sobbing one day after college like I sat and read it and bawled my eyes out. Books don’t really make me do that, but my god did that book make me cry. If I start thinking about the end I’ll start crying I’m so serious. Please please read this book it is so important.
Best nonfiction of 2023 - Girlhood - Melissa Febos CHANGED MY LIFE truly, that book of essays had me mouth wide open gobsmacked at some of the things it automatically revealed to me as a woman. Truly brilliant.
Worst book of 2023 - Pure Colour - Sheila Heti. It’s a fine line between writing something artistically and something actually completely stupid and uncomfortable and downright terrible to read, and it felt like old Sheila here liked to take that second route a bit too often. Oh my word did this book have a poor choice of sentences, holy sh*t. I do not recommend, unless you want to be weirded the f*ck out.
A little music review now, and let me in on some more liv lore. My mum and I don’t want to pay for a music subscription, like, ever, so instead we scrounge off of reoccurring free trials of Apple and Amazon music every so often, which means I get to still join in with the whole ‘Spotify Wrapped’ but instead Apple call it Replay. My Replay playlist is MESSYYYYYY I will tell you now, but let me tell you instead my top most listened to artists, and then my favourite albums of the year.
Beyonce
Florence and the Machine
Death Cab for Cutie
First Aid Kit
TayTaylor Swift
Do with that what you will people, I thought it was pretty accurate to my listening habits, which is nice. And now, I ranked the best albums I’ve heard this year:
- the record, boygenius
- The Age of Pleasure, Janelle Monae
- This Stupid World, Yo La Tengo
AND YEAH OKAY boygenius were always gonna be number one. I think what twisted the knife (and put salt in the wound) was hearing the songs live. I literally dislike an album and here it live somewhere and be utterly changed. That August gig actually changed me cognitively. Watching Lucy Dacus say 'I make the magic’ and then fireworks appearing I gasped I cried I was gagged. But the whole show was really something special, it felt so collaborative, so lovely. I love live music ! I am also not strong enough to be your man !
Issue #4 Song Recommendation
I am a gatekeeping woman at heart, and sometimes I sit and think really hard about who I want to keep quiet and keep to myself and who deserves to shine. But Ray LaMontagne…what a voice what a voice what a voice. A song I will eternally associate as a ‘dancing in the kitchen’ beat because it’s so Friday night making dinner frying onions with butter and garlic jesus I’m writing a poem I’ve written a million times here. You Are The Best Thing, by the man himself, is such a beautiful song. That whole album deserves to go in the time capsule to show the aliens. Also, underrated moment is his cover of ‘Crazy’ Gnarls Barkley it’s really good I promise !! Go listen my lovers xx
Issue #4 Line of Poetry
‘I want to be improbable and beautiful and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings.’ - Mary Oliver, ‘Starlings in Winter’.
If you guys know Mary Oliver, then good for you, and if you don’t, why don’t you?
Just as if I couldn’t get more soppy, I’m just pontificating that the real difference with me this year is that I am imbued with the sweet, intoxicating idea that I am surrounded by so many people i love and cherish, so many that I can call mine which is an utterly extreme PRIVILEGE. If I couldn’t hold them closer in my heart, near and far, i do even more so now, because the people that offer you happiness, that hold a little scrap of serotonin up to your brain and say heyyy, they are the best people in the world. Hug and kiss your lovers, lovers, as I do to you. We are so lucky to have those people around us. And continue to love these things as we move through the days, to thank the stars and the sun and the way soil and decomposition works so plants and things can stay alive. We’re all just energy people. Consider your light sometimes.
See you to snog on NYE,
always and authentically, and extra-specially gratefully,
Liv
xxxx
p.s - this was the state of me on NYE last year. Why hasn’t she been cuffed yet?
I LOVE YOU
